We are taught, aren't we, to be Nice Girls.
I was anyway.
Taught to please and please and bend over backwards. For the entire world. In order that they like you. To not make waves. To "get on" in this world. Pliable. Maleable.
And so what do we do with all those feelings that don't fit that Nice Girl mould?
All that fire and f...king brimstone. All those stamping feet and beating hearts and loud and unreasonable voices?
What I did is just turn my back on her. On that Nice Girl. That sweet wee pleaser.
She didn't get me anywhere. And she certainly didn't get me what I wanted.
Now I just run with the feelings. I make like John Malkovich in Dangerous Liaisons and think, it's beyond my control. Because, actually, I don't want to have to control my feelings.
Today all this not-so-acceptable fire is hot in me. Angry and burny and a little bit ugly, like this picture I'm working on.
Today I feel fairly violent with feeling.
After I finish writing this, I'm gonna strip down and put on my rough old excercise gear and smash that bag until I'm sweating. Until my arms are sore with it.
Yes, I am pissed off today.